THIS IS HOW IT IS
by Hannah-SpencerReid-West
Summary: Spencer has so many things he's hiding from his team mates, things he wouldn't dare share because they will either judge him, hate him or he'll be fired. But what happens when one by one his secrets seep out through the cracks? What does this hold for Spencer? *I DO NOT OWN CRIMINAL MINDS OR ANY CHARACTERS TAKEN FROM THE SHOW - I DO OWN ONE CHARACTER WHO I MADE UP*
1. Chapter 1

Spencer rocked into the ballpen of the BAU nearly over 2 hours late. His hair was a mess, his face was paler than a ghost, big purple bags hugged his under eyes, and a coffee in his hand. He hasn't looked as if has has slept in days. Clothes are the same as he wore yesterday, all creased and dirty. He couldn't give a care in the world. Morgan watched and Reid dumped his messenger bag down next to his desk, as he slumped into the chair, not evening apologising to the team for being late, he just ignore them. Morgan, still watching, knew that something had to be wrong but Reid looked as if he would kill you if you went near him, or even looked his way, but JJ beat him to it. "Hey Spence, you feeling okay?" Spencer spun round on his swivel chair to look at her.

"Yeah" was all she got.

"You sure Spence? you don't look so good..." JJ looked at him with eyes filled with worries, motherly instincts just want to kick in. "I said i'm fine, will you just leave me alone" JJ was quite taken back with Reid's tone, he hasn't snapped at her since she lied about Emily. Reid turned back to his desk and dropped his head, looking at his work. Spencer can get like this sometimes but never has he been this bad, the chances of them getting anything out of him when he is like this, is very slim.

Reid spent the rest of the day, just hunched over at his desk, only getting up to go to the loo or get a coffee. Morgan just watch Reid was the window of his office, the kid hadn't even eaten, just drank shit tones of black coffee, filled up with more sugar then sugar cane farms. But he didn't know what to do, if he tried to speak to him he'll just get single word answers or him going completely off the rails and scream in my face. But Morgan had not choice, there was something up with his team mate and he was determined to find out what, even if it means Spencer ignoring him or hating him for a period of time, he needs to know.

The day had come to an end and Spencer was already packing up his desk, normally he wouldn't be leaving for at least another 3 maybe 4 hours, he always stays behind after everyone has left to finish all his paperwork. Something definitely had to be up. Spencer collected his messenger bag from down the side of the desk and placed it over his shoulder, heading towards the door, but was stopped in his tracks by Morgan. Reid just stopped at starred at him. "You coming to the pub with us tonight then Pretty Boy?" Morgan asked.

"No" Yet again another single and blunt answer from Reid.

"Come on man, it would be fun, it's our night off have a laugh with us"

"I said no Derek!" Reid raised his voice enough that it got the attention from his other teams mates who all came over to see what was going on. "What's with you at the moment man? You haven't been yourself? I only asked if you wanted to come for a drink with us and you bite my bloody head off" Morgan questioned, looking more confused as Spencer never calls him Derek even outside of work.

"Nothing, I'm just not feeling it tonight" Spencer tried heading for the door again but Morgan wouldn't let him, he grabbed hold of his wrist as he tried to pass, Reid winched and pulled his arm away. Morgan just looked at him with questioning eyes, 'Why did he winch like that? He can't be? Can he?' The thoughts were swirling round and round in Morgan's mind as he watched Reid get into the lift, looking right back at him. Morgan would say he looked pissed off but he looked more; worried, nervous. Then the elevator's doors closed.

The cold air froze Spencer's hands solid as he tried to rummage through his bag to find his car keys. Finally he found them and unlocked the car. Once in, he just sat there for a while, staring into the emptiness of the foggy path ahead of him, unable to see passersby but can hear them. Spencer's hands were held firmly onto the steering wheel, as if they had frozen to it. He stayed like this for another good 15 minutes before he noticed his team mates coming out the building ready to head to the bar. Without thinking Reid turned on the engine and drove anyway before they could notice him and try and drag him out. But with what happened with Morgan less then half an hour ago, he couldn't look at him, because he was shore he knew why he did what he did, and he couldn't risk Morgan confronting him about it, but more so, that Morgan might yet go to or has already spoken to Hotch.

It was starting to get late but Reid was led, wide awake on his sofa watching whatever crap was on TV, not taking anything in. He couldn't stop thinking about today, about what happened with Morgan, Does he know? Reid didn't know what to do, he tried getting the thoughts out of his head and try and be a little happier, but nothing seemed to help. Reaching over and grabbing his bag, he pulled out his packet of fags (which obviously the team didn't know about) and his lighter and went out onto his balcony. The cold, crisp air stung his cheeks and hands, but he needed this fag, it was his stress relief beside other things. As he took the first toke of his fag instant relief filled his body, but also filled his lungs with crap and toxic chemicals, but he didn't care, he needed this fag otherwise he would turn to the other thing, and right now that isn't the best option if Morgan starts poking his noise in his business. After about 10 minutes stood outside it was time for him to come in, he felt better after the fag, but something still hung onto him, like someone was leaning on his back, putting all there weight onto him. His mind was suddenly over taken with dark thoughts, things that have happened to him, the cases he's been on, Tobias, then millions of secrets he hiding from his team mates, it started getting to much. Spencer went into the bathroom and turned on the light. He had a mirror fixed to the wall above the sink, he just stared at himself, seeing this disgusting thing that no one will ever love. This thing who was a freak of nature, unnatural, an abomination. Without even thinking Reid opened up the cabinet, and pulled out this tin, opening it and tipping the contents onto his hand. Razor blades.


	2. DISCOVERED PART 1

Spencer woke up the next morning with only getting a couple of hours sleep, his mind was to active to let it shut off and allow him to sleep. His body felt weak and exhausted, his eyes ached and his head was pounding against his skull. Climbing out of bed, he rubbed his hands over his face to try and wake himself up, to give him the energy to get off the bed and walk to the bathroom for a shower. When his body finally cooperated, he grabbed his towel and heading towards the bathroom. The morning was still young and the sun hadn't woken up yet, street lights illuminated the street with an orangey, yellow glow. The sound of cars driving along the wet roads as the rain poured down from the dark sky. Reid loved the rain, there was something about it that was relaxing and peaceful, the sound of the water hitting his window, or the sound of it trickling down the gutters. It was nice. Reid headed into the bathroom and turned on the shower. He stripped from his clothes and jumped into the warm, running water. He winched. He had forgotten about what he did the night before. The water hitting the fresh, red marks the sat on his arms stung, the scabs that covered them over the night before were softening and letting the water into the wound. Spencer was use to it but doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt, a lot. Ignoring the pain the surged through his body, he washed himself and got clean, trying to look less like a homeless man. He got out and wrapped himself up in his warm towel that had been sat on the radiator, but the warmth didn't like long and the cool air struck him like he was walking outside naked whilst it snowed. He got himself dressed in a fresh, crisp shirt, new tie which was purple grey colour, new trousers and a cardigan. Popping on the kettle to make his morning coffee, he sat at the table and just thought about the repercussions of what could happen today, worried that Morgan has spoken to Hotch or figured out for himself what Reid does to his body to relieve his pain, nothing good can come off today.

The streets were empty as Reid drove his little blue car down the road. Rain hitting the windscreen at force, the wipers making a horrible squeaking noise again it. Reid hadn't been driving for long, he has had a license for years but preferred to get the tube, but lately he has gone off the idea after dealing with a terrorist who planted a bomb on 4 different tubes killing hundreds of people. It felt safer to drive. Pulling up the the FBI headquarters, Reid just sat in his car amount, his hot fresh coffee sat in a flask on dashboard, as he just sat there thinking, worrying. 'What do I do if Morgan knows? If he tries and speaks to me about it? I hate having deep meaning full or serious conversations with my coworkers about my personal life, that's why I could never tell them how I truly feel, or about how I went completely down hill after I was kidnapped by Tobais. What would they think of me if they know? They already treat my like a baby and I hate it, but they never seem to get the picture. If they find out about this or other things I don't know what I would do...' Reid thought to himself. 15 minutes had passed and if he sat in the car any longer he would be late. Grabbing his long, purple scarf off the back seat and wrapping it round his neck and grabbing his bag, he got out the car and ran towards the building trying not to get to wet.

In the lift, Reid stared at himself in the 3 mirrors that accompanied him. The rain from his hair dripped onto his coat, he looked like a drowned rat. It felt like he was in the lift forever, it dragged on and on and on, it was like it was torturing him, which wasn't helping. He wanted to leave, to run away but he couldn't, the only way out was up.

The lift pinged and the doors opened, the Ball Pen was quiet, 'Maybe I am the first one here?' Reid thought to himself. But he wasn't. As he walked in he could see Hotch already in his office talking to Rossi and Emily. JJ, Garcia and Morgan were all stood around talking, JJ was showing them a photo of Will and Henry together at the Park. They all seem happy...if only he felt the same. "Ahh Pretty Boy, not late today I see" Reid snapped out of his daydream to see Morgan was now stood in front oh him.

"Huh?" Morgan just smiled.

"Daydreaming again?" Reid just nodded in agreement. "Well we haven't got a case today so just a nice chill day in the office" Reid kind of wanted to have a case, to put his mind of the thousands of thoughts that circled his brain. Morgan patted him on the side of the arm, Reid tried not to show no sign of pain, just gave a small, awkward smile. "So Pretty Boy, coming out with us tonight then?"

"I thought you guys went out last night?" Spencer asked.

"No, we didn't in the end. Henry wouldn't go to sleep so JJ had to go home, Garcia and Emily were too tiered and I didn't really want to go on my own. So you coming?"

"No probably not, not in the mood" Spencer walked passed Morgan and put him bag and his coffee down at his desk. "Come on man, you haven't came out with us in a long time" The 2 other women who were stood near him nodded in agreement. "I buy you a drink?" Morgan was pushing and pushing, It didn't seem like such a bad idea to Reid as he could drown his problems in alcohol. "Fine"

"Yes!" Morgan smiled and dance in achievement.

The rest of the day dragged on, minutes left like hours and hours felt like days. Reid once again stayed at his desk and worked, turning down everyone's offer of popping over to the little cafe across the road for lunch, he didn't really feel like eating, but his stomach disagreed. When the others were gone, Reid opened his bottom draw of his desk that was locked, and pulled out lots of junk food; Crisps, chocolate bars, biscuits, sweets, anything and everything and scoffed it all down without anyone seeing. His stomach felt as if it was about to burst but he ignored it. He felt better, the hunger had gone but he felt disgusting in himself. For so long he was trying to eat a better and healthier diet to loose a bit of weight, despite the fact he is already very skinny. He even would go days without eating, if he did it was a carrot stick of a small bowl of white rice. But this is different he was at home, he was at work and need to feel better. Reid ran to the bathroom and knelt down by the toilet. He looked into the bowl, which stank, as he put 2 fingers into his throat as far as he could, tears began to fall down his face. He gagged, and then threw up everything he had just scoffed down. His throat burn, his stomach ached, but he felt better in himself, he feel as disgusting, but he knew what he was doing was all kinds of wrong. After he had finished, he just slumped next to the bowl and cried quietly. He sat there for a good 20 minutes before he heard Morgans voice. "Where's Reid?" Reid stood up ( a bit to quickly as he almost fell back down again with dizziness), unlocked the door, and walked towards the sink. He splashed his face with water and swirled his mouth round also. He looked at himself in the mirror and just felt angry, but he had to calm himself down otherwise his team mates will become suspicious.

"Ahh there you are? Where have you been?" Morgan asked.

"Sorry, went to the loo"

"Ah okay, well we brought you back some lunch, you haven't eaten all day and we thought you might be hungry" Morgan smiled. But that wasn't true, only half an hour ago did he binge on sweets and crap before he threw it all back up again. "Thanks Morgan, but I have already eaten"

"Oh okay, well it's on your desk anyway". Reid just smiled at him as he headed towards his desk, he felt as if Morgan was starring at him, watching him, thought ran through Reid's head again but shock them away, he can't work with thoughts like this, he had already messed up once, he can't do it again because then people will find out about his secrets. Time had passed and it was time to head home, but he forgot about going to the bar. He packed up all his things, his paperwork and what not and went to put them into his bag, but then Morgan bumped into him, sending the papers flying and scattering all over the floor. They both bent down to gather them up, Reid went to take the ones out of Morgans hand, he didn't realise till it was to late that his sleeve had rolled up showing the fresh red lines that bared his pale, white skin. Hastily Reid took the papers from Morgan and shoved them into his bag, pulling his sleeve down at the same time. Did he notice? But from Morgan reaction, he hadn't noticed which was good. "Ready to go then Pretty Boy?" Spencer just nodded and they all headed towards the lift.

They pulled up outside the club, lights of many colours, streamed from the door and windows, people flooded in and out, the roar of music came crashing out the bar. People were stood around talking, drinking and smoking. Some where already drunk and swaying all over the place. Spencer was craving a cigarette, but his team can't know, it's not the end of the world if they do but Spencer didn't want to sit there as they lectured him on how bad it is for you. He maybe able to sneak out for one later on. The queue was moving pretty quickly and they were stood outside no more than 5 minutes. Once inside, Morgan went straight to the bar whilst the other 4 found a place to sit. There was a booth at the back of the club which seemed big enough, so they sat there and waited for Morgan to come back with Drinks, and boy did he. He brought everyone's usual, plus 3 shots each, each filled with a different coloured spirit. Without saying a word, Reid grabbed his and necked them all back. His teamed looked at him in shock, he just back at them as if to say 'what?'. "Damm Pretty Boy never seen you do that before" Morgan spoke.

"Yeah Reid, I thought you didn't really like getting drunk?" Asked Emily.

"Just feel like it" was all he could answer back. How could he tell them he was drinking to forget his problems, or to feel better, not having the horrible, harmful thoughts that he does. As the night went on, more drinks were consumed and Reid was feeling more and more drunk. His head was spinning, and he was chatting absolute bullshit to the others. "Did you know that 58% of people who drink *hiccup* says it to drown out there sorrows" Everyone was finding it amusing, seeing Reid this drunk that crap just spilled from his mouth. "Another drink for me I think" Luckily Reid was still able to walk in a straight line, and act at least a little sober. "Double Vodka and Coke please" As Spencer was waiting for his drink he noticed a young Asian lad watching him from across the bar, once he noticed that Reid had spotted him he made his way over. "Hi, I'm Hiroki" He smiled, Reid thought it was pretty cute.

"Dr Spencer Reid" He smiled back.

"You on your own?" Hiroki asked. Spencer shock his head and turned and pointed to his team mates who all caught on. "Who's that Spencer's talking to?" Asked Emily.

"I don't know, he seems to be pretty friendly to be honest" Morgan said. "Maybe he's trying to chat up Reid" Morgan laughed.

"And so what if he is?" JJ said. "Does it matter?"

"No cause not, I am only messing JJ".

"Yes, but this is why Spencer get's upset and pissed off at you because you wind him up..." Morgan just turn to look back at the two lads who were happily chattering away at the bar. Reid sipping on his drink, looking like he may just fall down any moment. "Do you smoke?" Spencer nodded and they headed for the door. His team mates were calling him to see where he was going but the music was so loud that Spencer just couldn't hear them, and heading outside with his new, attractive friend.

"Here" Hiroki gave his a fag"

"Thanks" Reid responded and pulled his lighter out from his pocket, lighting his fag before handing it to Hiroki. "So" He takes a toke. " What do you do Spencer?"

"I'm an Supervisory Special Agent for the BAU of the FBI" Spencer takes a toke.

"That's awesome, so what you catch serial killers and what not?" Spencer nodded. "That's awesome, must be scary though?"

"You get use to it, but there are come cases that really do still affect me" Hiroki looked so interested as Reid rambled on, taking in everything he was saying, looking at him with such interest and amusement. Before they knew it, they had been outside for nearly an hour just chatting away. They decided to have another fag before they headed back into the hot stuffy club. As Reid was smoking he was looking at Hiroki, he knew how he felt towards men, kissed men, slept with them, but there was something different about him, he made Reid feel happy and warm inside, and no one has been able to do that for a long time.

 **Teams P.O.V**

"Where on earth is Reid?" Morgan asked. They hadn't seen the young profiler in well over and hour. "Maybe he's still outside with that guy?" Emily said.

"Or maybe Spencer has swept him off his feet and the two have gone home together" Garcia giggled. "Reid isn't gay" Morgan snapped. "He would have told me"

"There are a lot of things we don't know about Spencer, okay? He does have a private life that he is entitled to, you know Morgan, he doesn't have to tell you anything" JJ tried getting through to Morgan but he was so persistent that Reid wasn't gay. 'But he hasn't told me everything' Morgan thought and remember what he saw on the young doctors wrists only hours ago. He hid that from him, what else could he be hiding? The team all packed up and were ready to leave, grabbing all there stuff, making sure they leave nothing behind. JJ grabbed Spencer's coat and bag, and they headed towards the exit.

 **Normal**

"I've had a really goodnight tonight Spencer" Hiroki smiled.

"Me too" Reid reply. Spencer was looking at Hiroki watching how he moved, the way his eyebrow goes up in confusion or how his dark brown eyes shone from the light hitting them. Spencer even liked the way his hair sat just above his eyes, like he was in a boy band. Reid smiled. Before he could say anything else, Hiroki pushed him up against the brick wall, holding his by the shoulders, Reid ignore the pain then surged through his body, his back hurting from hitting the hard wall, and his arms hurting from where Hiroki was grabbing them. So many different things ran through Reid's mind. 'He's going to kill me. I've been tricked...' and so on. But none of that was true. Hiroki pushed his body against his, Spencer could feel his skinny but muscled body pressed up against his. Then his lips came crashing down.

The guys walked out the club trying to look for Reid, the club lights were far to bright to see much in front of them. They walked down the steps, and down a little more. Lent up, in the shadows were two figure kissing passionately. When a car drove passed and there headlights lightened up the shadows, did they notice who it was. "What the..." Morgan mouth dropped and his widened in shock. Emily and JJ smiled, they knew it, but they were just waiting for Reid to finally say it. Where as Garcia had the smile like the Chester Cat from Alice in Wonderland, clapping her hands together.

Reid and Hiroki were caught in the moment, not realising they had an audience. The kiss was wild and passionate, Hiroki lips were soft Reid thought, but sharp bolts of electricity jolted through him, that sounds so lovey dovey and typical but it's true, Reid felt a true connection with him. But that's not all he felt. Hiroki's body was pressed so close to his, that Reid felt the growth of Hiroki pressing against him, but then he felt his own, and he could feel Hiroki smiling against his lips and he pushed it closer, Reid took a little gasp as a little moan escaped his mouth. Hiroki licked the bottom of Reid's lip trying to ask for entrance, and Reid accepted. His soft, warm, wet tongue was circling his mouth, darting in and out, Spencer was really enjoying it as another moan slipped and pretty sure that was rather loud. The two broke apart gasping for air. Still pressed against one another. They heard a cough, (like the one you do to get someone else's attention),the turn boys and Reid's face turned white. He was looking into the eyes of all his team mates, each one had a different expression on their face's but it was Morgan's that got Reid's attention. He pushed Hiroki away from him and he tried to speak but no words came out, just weird noises. His team said nothing they all just stare at one another. Hiroki felt uncomfortable as he was just stood there with a huge hard on being starred at by complete strangers. "Gonna explain" Morgan voice was rough, he sounded pissed.

"Umm" Reid just couldn't manage to speak, plus he was out of breath from the kiss but also very dizzy as half his body weight in alcohol swished around in his stomach. "Why did you tell me" Morgan didn't say we, but me. "Huh? Kinda a big thing don't you think?" Morgan voice was getting angrier and angrier with every sentence he spoke. This was starting to tick off Reid, it's like he is jealous or something, he doesn't have to know everything about him, Reid thought. "Because it's none of your business, that's why" Reid snapped back.

"Kinda is Reid when you're meant to tell family everything and you left out a major factor" Reid anger was bubbling up inside of him and he couldn't hold back, if Morgan said one more thing out of line he was going to blow. "Why didn't you tell us you were a faggot?" Without even thinking Reid went off on one. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" Morgan was regretting what he had said seconds after he said it, it wasn't what he was meant to have said, it came out all wrong. "Reid I...I didn't mean that"

"WELL CLEARLY YOU FUCKING DID OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SAID IT, WOULD YOU?" Reid's face was red and scrunched up, his eyes full of fire, Hiroki stood next to him silent but clearly, too, also very upset with what the stranger had said. "THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T TELL YOU MORGAN BECAUSE OF THIS, GO FUCK YOURSELF". Morgan was rather taken back with the words that came out of the young doctors mouth, he has never heard Reid say stuff like that before. He's heard Reid scream and shout but never these types of words. But he guess he deserved it for what he called him. Spencer took Hiroki's hand in his and held it firmly but gently. Hiroki just turned and looked at him, he didn't really know that guy but at the same time he felt like they had been together for years. "There is seriously something wrong with you Morgan" Morgan couldn't respond. Spencer leaned over and Whispered into Hiroki's ear. "Wanna get out of here?" Hiroki nodded.

"Morgan, I have been so terrified to tell anyone and you just made it the icing on top of the cake. Fuck you Morgan, were off elsewhere".

"Elsewhere?" Morgan looked confused.

"Yes Morgan, you know, back to my place, to have amazing 'Faggot' sex as you like to call it" Morgan said nothing in shock. The young profiler just turned and left heading towards and empty taxi on the side of the road, Hiroki following after him. As they climb in the taxi, Morgan tried calling Reid's name again and again to get his attention but when he got it, Reid just stuck his middle finger up to him. His team just stood in silence as they watched the young doctor drive away.

The back of the taxi was dark, which was a good thing as you couldn't see the tears that rolled down Spencer's face.


End file.
